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the fun stuff ....

A standard element of being a musician is extracting the mickey out of other musicians!  This is a collection of music jokes / humour from various sources. Enjoy!!

Classical Music Jokes

Violins

Q: What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
A: There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so much bigger.

Q: Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instrument?
A: Violins don't have spit valves.

String players' motto: "It's better to be sharp than out of tune."

Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert.  "There's not much room on this page," he said. "What shall I write?"
Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint: "Write your repertoire."

"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.
"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."

"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"

Q: Why are viola jokes so short?
A: So violinists can understand them.

Violas

Q: How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
A: Neither one strikes in the same place twice.

Q: What do you do with a dead violist?
A: Move him back a desk.

Q: What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

Q: What's the definition of a minor second?
A: Two violists playing in unison.

Q: Why do violists stand for long periods outside people's houses?
A: They can't find the key and they don't know when to come in.

Q: Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the viola?
A: It saves time.

Q: How was the canon invented?
A: Two violists were trying to play the same passage together.

Q: Why shouldn't violists take up mountaineering?
A: Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they're missing.

Q: What's the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?
A’s:

1. half a measure

2. a semi-tone

Q: Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording?
A: Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.

Q: How many violists does it take to make a batch of chocolate chip cookies?
A: Ten. One to stir the batter and nine to peel the M & M's.

A violist in an orchestra was crying and screaming at the oboe player sitting directly behind him. The conductor asked, "What are you so upset about?"
The violist replied "The oboist reached over and turned one of the pegs on my viola and now it's all out of tune!"
The conductor asked "Don't you think you're overreacting?"
The violist replied "I'm not overreacting! He won't tell me which one!"

Vocalists

Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a pirhana?
A: The lipstick.

Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
A: The jewellery.

Q: How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.

Q: How do you tell if a Wagnerian soprano is dead?
A: The horses seem very relieved.

Q: How do you put a sparkle in a soprano's eye?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Q: How many altos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. They can't get that high.

Q: What's the definition of a male quartet?
A: Three men and a tenor.

Q: How do you tell if a bass is actually dead?
A: Hold out a cheque (but don't be fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic clutching action may occur even hours after death has occurred).

Q: What's the definition of an optimist?
A: A choral director with a mortgage.

Conductors

Q: What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
A: The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.

Q: What's the difference between God and a conductor?
A: God knows He's not a conductor.

Q: What's the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor?
A: There are some things a pig just isn't willing to do.

Q: Why is a conductor like a condom?
A: It's safer with one, but more fun without.

A new conductor was at his first rehearsal. It was not going well. He was wary of the musicians as they were of him.  As he left the rehearsal room, the timpanist sounded a rude little "bong." The angry conductor turned and said, "All right! Who did that?

Band Jokes

As most bands know - drummer and bass player jokes are pretty much interchangeable, so to avoid repeating things they're lumped together here...

Drummer/Bass player jokes

Q: What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

Q: Why do drummers have one more brain cell than a horse?
A: So that when marching in a parade, they can avoid the sh*t on the road.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A drummer.

Q: How is a drum solo like a sneeze?
A: You can tell it's coming, but you can't do anything about it.

Q: Why do bands have roadies?
A: To translate for the drummer.

Q: How can you tell a drummer is walking behind you?
A: You can hear his knuckles dragging on the ground.

Q: What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
A: You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once.

Q: How do you know if a drummer's platform is level?
A: The drool comes out of both sides of his mouth.

Q: Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
A: Because it can keep a steady beat and won't sleep with your girlfriend.

Q: How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
A: Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.

Q: Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car?
A: So they can park in the handicapped spot.

Q: What's the difference between a drummer and Dr. Scholl's foot pads?
A: Dr. Scholl's foot pads buck up the feet.

Q: How do you know when a drummer is knocking on your door?
A: The knocking speeds up.

I asked my drummer to spell "Mississippi"...
He said, "the river or the state?"

Two cowboys were waiting in their fort for the Indians to attack. They listened to the distant pounding  war drums.
One cowboy muttered to the other, "I don't like the sound of them drums."
Just then, a distant voice came over the hill, "It's not our usual drummer!"

A guy wanted to play bass in a band. The band told him, "Okay, but you will have to have 1/3 of your brain removed."
So the guy went into surgery. When he woke up, the doctor said, "I'm terribly sorry, but we made a mistake and accidentally removed 3/4's of your brain!" The guy said, "Uh, that's okay. Got some sticks?"

A new customer walks into the new store on the block that sells brains. There are three glass cases, each containing a nice wet quivering grey brain. The first one says "Astrophysicist", and it costs $10.
The second says "Avon Salesman" and costs $1000. The third says "Drummer" and costs $10,000.
The customer is confused, and questions the salesperson.
"I don't get it...why would I want a drummer's brain for $10,000 when I can get an astrophysicists' for $10?". The salesman replies, "Because it's never been used."

Two salesmen are in a bar. One says to the other, "I bet you I can relate to anyone in this bar, I'm such a good salesman."
The other replies, "You think so, huh? Well, sure. But I pick the guys." "Ok," says the first, "you're on."
The other grabs the guy sitting at the table next to them and tells the first salesman, "Here, this one." This first subject is dressed in a three-piece suit and is carrying Wall Street Week. The salesman asks him, "What's your IQ?" "190." So they chat for a while about the stock market, particle physics, and Non-Euclidean geometry.
"Ok," says the other salesman, "That was pretty good, but you still have two to go." He looks around and grabs a guy dressed in jeans, a tee-shirt, and a baseball cap worn backwards. The salesman asks him "What's you're IQ?"
"About 100." So THEY chat for a while about baseball, cars, and the various women in the bar.
"Fine," says the other salesman, "But there's still one to go." He goes to the back of the bar and grabs a really scummy looking guy in a muscle shirt and shorts. The salesman asks him "What's your IQ?"
"About 60."
"What kind of sticks do you use?"

Q: Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car?
A: He had to break a window to get the drummer out!

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A’s:

1. None. They let the keyboard player do it with his left hand.

2. Don't bother. Just leave it out--no one will notice.

3. One, but the guitarist has to show him first.

4. Six: one to change it, and the other five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light.

Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?

Q: What does a drummer use for contraception?
A: His personality!

Q: Why are bad drummers better than drum machines?
A: You don't have to plug 'em in to get something stiff, mechanical and uninspired.

Q: How can you make a drummer slow down?
A: Put a sheet of music in front of him

Q2: How can you make that drummer stop?
A: Put notes on it!

A man goes to an exotic tropical island for a vacation. As the boat nears the island, he notices the constant sound of drumming coming from the island. As he gets off the boat, he asks the first native he sees how long the drumming will go on. The native casts about nervously and says "very bad when the drumming stops."
At the end of the day, the drumming is still going and is starting to get on his nerves. So, he asks another native when the drumming will stop. The native looks as if he's just been reminded of something very unpleasant.
"Very bad when the drumming stops," he says, and hurries off.
After a couple of days with little sleep, our traveller is finally fed up, grabs the nearest native, slams him up against a tree, and shouts "What happens when the drumming stops?!!"
"Bass solo."

"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."

An amateur drummer dies and goes to heaven. While he is waiting outside the pearly gates, he hears some incredibly fast drumming coming from within heaven. He immediately recognizes the playing, and asks St. Peter if that really is Buddy Rich playing drums in heaven. St. Peter responds: "No, that's God. He just thinks that he's Buddy Rich.

Other Band jokes

A jazz musician dies and goes to heaven. He is told "Hey man, welcome! You have been elected to the Jazz All-Stars of Heaven--right up there with Satchmo, Miles, Django, all the greats. We have a gig tonight.  Only one problem--God's girlfriend gets to sing."

Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None--they just steal somebody else's light.

Q: What happens if you play blues music backwards?
A: Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.

Q: What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
A: New Age music.

Q: What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?
A: "I didn't wake up this morning..."

Q: What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?
A: Eventually the puppy grows up and stops whining.

Q: How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
A’s:

1. "One, two, three, one, two, three..."

2. "Hey man, I just do sound."

3. One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.

St. Peter's still checking ID's. He asks a man, "What did you do on Earth?"
The man says, "I was a doctor." St. Peter says, "Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next!
What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a school teacher."
"Go right through those pearly gates. Next!
And what did you do on Earth?"
"I was a musician."
"Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen..."

Q: What's the difference between musicians and government bonds?
A: Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.

Q: How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.

And finally...

A critic is like a eunuch: he knows exactly how it ought to be done."

With acknowledgements to various websites including particuarly Jeff Bigler


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